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As a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve consistently thought that politeness is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a happy life, I’ve faced very poor self-esteem. This mix of aiming to be considerate and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Many times, it happens so quickly that I’m not even aware of it. It stems from anxiety and has affected both my personal and work life. It irritates my family and friends and co-workers, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only increases my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Asking Questions

This over-apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to public speaking or posing queries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay concise and avoid nervous rambling, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an starting scholar in political science, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through exposure therapy, such as teaching classes and forcing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing humiliations from established male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t believe I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still value life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve heard that therapy might assist me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a load on others.

Finding the Source

A psychotherapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it your own idea or inherited from someone important to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once served us well become unhelpful in later years.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-defeating. You realize it irritates those around you, yet you continue it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than acting. Much of good therapy is about self-reflection, not just addressing problems. A skilled therapist will supportively question you, offering a safe space to examine and accept who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a interpersonal focus with a humanist therapist might be more helpful. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you treat, dismiss, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your confidence can develop from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing deep-seated habits is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an try to avoid discomfort or exposure, by recognizing perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a vicious circle of frustration and worry.

Even reflecting afterward can be helpful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel understood without you taking accountability.

This process will take persistence, but recognizing there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward growth.